Jordan Bold Predictions

— The NFL realizes that it has over-complicated, over-franchised its product: It’s just too hard to watch an NFL game these days, and this is the year that ratings suffer. Plus, with their sultry ESPN love affair, the networks will finally get jealous. What do they expect though? In an age of media/entertainment accessibility, the NFL is headed in the wrong direction. Oh, and someone finally tells Roger Goddell to fuck himself and get over being such a moralizing, high-horse prick.

–My bold prediction is that the Jets win the Superbowl this year. Yeah, they are young and a little rough around the edges, but 2nd year coach Rex Ryan is inspiring as hell. They’ve got a dominant defense and a young offense that has the potential to outscore any opponent. I might sound like an idiot here, but Dirty Sanchez is going to light it up this year.

–The old dynasties will suffer. Greats Manning and Brady won’t be able to win games on smiles, complicated hand gestures, and intimidation. To paraphrase Micky Rourick and to borrow an illustration from golf: Much like the demise of the Tiger Woods mystique, if you can make God bleed, then people cease to believe in him.

–This is the year that rookies, sophomores, and 3rd year players start to make the 5 and 6 year vets look silly. The game is ALWAYS getting faster and younger. Pure talent doesn’t mean as much anymore, eg Brian Urlacher, Ray Lewis, Brandon Jacobs, Michael Turner, MJD, that Dallas Running back, etc.

Favre gets nailed from his blind-side and retires an injured, hobbled old man. Look for him to become a social critique/sports commentator soon, though, in the style of the bloodied sock moron, Curt Schilling.

— Tim Tebow prays his way into looking like a legitimate NFL starter, leading the Broncos to their first playoff win since Jake the Snake. Ultimately, they loose in the first, non-wild-card round of the playoffs, though, leaving him dismayed and questioning the God he prays too. Soon after, he joins the Black Nation of Islam, as much out of ignorance as his desire to witness to blacks (his words).

–Bill Parcells continues to prove that age is no friend in the NFL, making personnel decisions too slow to keep up with his incredibly competitive, incredibly complicated division. Someone assassinates him, Al Davis, and John Madden for being “fogies”.

JaMarcus fuck my life Russell is called in to replace the starter of some team, probably the Eagles. Hailed as a gun-slinging hero, he looks good in three starts, before his stomach explodes unceremoniously from the side-effects of competing in too many philly cheesesteak sandwich eating competitions.

–Seattle… *sheesh*. Not even wondertrojan Pete Carol can make them a winner. Look for that old as fuck Hasselback to need a hip replacement due to an injury he suffered “tackling” someone that intercepted yet another one of his errant throws. They score, by the way.

— Michael Vick never starts a game this year, because Kevin Kolb proves to be better than even the Eagles thought. The GM soon realizes, however, that Andy Reid is just a goddamn awful coach, moving him to the front office after this season.

–Jason Garrett who? Yeah, he disappeared for awhile, but after Santa Claus manages to mismanage yet another extremely gifted Cowboys team, Jerry Jones finally does the right thing: kills him. Then and only then, does the battle royale for Cowboys headcoach begin; Garrett wins this, of course, because, like I said earlier, he’s good at disappearing, showing up just enough to be relevant, which, in the case of the royale, is at the very last second before the bell rings.


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